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| Q: What do
you call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom
of the ocean?
A: A good start!
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Q: Why won't sharks
devour lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy. |
| A lawyer and the Pope
die on the same day and go up to heaven. St. Peter checks them
in, and an angel comes by in a golden chariot to take them to
their new quarters. They ride along for a while through beautiful
heavenly scenery, and pull up in front of a lovely English cottage
with a thatched roof and a rose trellis. The angel turns around
in his seat and says to the Pope, "I hope you like your
new quarters."
"Oh, it's beautiful," says the Pope, and he goes
on in.
The chariot moves off and the lawyer notices that the neighborhood
is getting fancier and fancier. Eventually they pull in front
of a magnificent alabaster mansion, with thoroughbred horses
grazing on the expansive lawns, a Rolls Royce and a Ferrari
in the portico. "Hope you like it," the angel says.
“Like it? I'm stunned,” says the lawyer.
"Why, is there anything wrong?"
"No, no, of course not -- just the opposite. The place
we left the Pope off was beautiful, but this is just unbelievable.
I don't get it."
"Oh, that's easy," says the angel. "We've had
plenty of Popes up here before, but you're the first lawyer."
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A lawyer dies
and shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets him and
they sit down together to do the required paperwork. At one
point St. Peter is looking through the lawyer's official heavenly
dossier, and he says, “Oh, congratulations, I see you
qualify for the better grade housing we have up here.”
"Oh, really?" says the lawyer. "Why is that?"
St. Peter replies, "Well, the Big Guy has a rule that
anybody who lived to be more than 100 was obviously leading
a virtuous life on earth, so it's appropriate for that person
to spend eternity in the best possible quarters."
"But that doesn't make sense," says the lawyer.
"I died of a heart attack at age 58."
"That's impossible," says St Peter, looking at the
lawyer's dossier. "According to your time records, you
have to be at least 182 years old."
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| BUNGEE-JUMPING
Al, the lawyer, and Joe, the loan officer,
are bungee-jumping one day.
Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money
running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
Joe thinks this is a great idea and provides financing. Then,
they buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic
cord, insurance, etc. Al obtains the necessary permits to
operate, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on
the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they finish, there is such a crowd they decide it is
a good idea to give a demonstration.
Al, the lawyer, being quite adventurous, decided to jump.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately,
Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and
comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up.
This time he comes back pretty messed up-he's got a couple
of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What
happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the cord was fine,
but what's a pinata?"
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A defendant in a
lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer,
"if I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler
for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even find you in contempt of court. In
fact, you should not even smile at the judge."
With the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor
of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said
to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It
worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,"
said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find
to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
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Four guys are driving cross-country:
one is from Maine, one is from Vermont, one from New Hampshire,
and one from Massachusetts.
A while down the road, the man from Maine starts to pull potatoes
from his bag and throw them out the window. The man from New
Hampshire turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you
doing?"
The man from Maine says, "Man, we have so many of these
damned things laying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking
at them."
A few miles down the road, the man from Vermont begins pulling
bottles of maple syrup from his bag and proceeds to throw them
out the window. The man from New Hampshire asks, "What
are you doing that for?"
The man from Vermont replies, "Man, we have so many of
these damned things in Vermont, and I'm sick of looking at them."
Inspired by the others, the man from New Hampshire opens the
car door and pushes the man from Massachusetts out.
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A man walking along
the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough,
out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But
there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked. The genie replied, "Every
time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive
double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied
the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie. "Well,
I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every
lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie.
"Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man. POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars,"
said the genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got
my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well,
you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"
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Q: What's the difference between
a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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Q: What do you have when
a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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Firemen and paramedics frantically
work to remove an attorney from his demolished car, which
was just involved in a head on collision. "Oh ... my
Mercedes, my poor Mercedes ... oh..." the attorney kept
repeating through his pain.
"Look, fella," said the paramedic, "Quit worrying
so much about your car, your entire arm has been severed below
the elbow and you could bleed to death!"
As the attorney looks down to see his arm missing, he begins
whimpering, "My Rolex, my poor Rolex ... oh….”
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Q: What do you
call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association
convention?
A: The caterer.
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| A man was sent
to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having
an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have
to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it
with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled,
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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Q: Why does California
have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic
waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
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Q: What do you call 20 lawyers
skydiving?
A: Skeet.
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The local United
Way office realized that it had never received a donation from
the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to
solicit his donation, saying, "our research shows that
even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you
do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give
back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your
research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful
illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to
pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife
and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to
stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic
accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving
her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The
humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I
had no idea."
The lawyer then says, “...and if I don't give any money
to THEM, why should I give any to you?”
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| An old man was on his death bed. He
wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest,
his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000
cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my
coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding
away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears
and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope
because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well,
since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed
a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you,"
he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope
in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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| A grade school teacher
was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim,
you be first," she said. "What does your mother
do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's
a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father
is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the
teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy
proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano
in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly
changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went
to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered
the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and
asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's
father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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Hear about the terrorist that
hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one
every hour if his demands weren't met.
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An anxious woman
goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
“Certainly,” replies the doctor. “Where do
you think lawyers come from?”
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If you laid all of the lawyers in the world,
end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley
antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the
objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze
sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique
that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop
owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind
it.”
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but
I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with
the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front
of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall
into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he
begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer
drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked
two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people
begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements,
vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront
at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full
tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the
time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats
twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping
it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco
Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs
up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as
the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the
sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way
back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,"
says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you
have a bronze lawyer."
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Q: How many lawyers do you need
to paint the Great Wall of China red?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
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Q: Why did a
leopard follow an elephant through the forest eating the elephant's
droppings?
A: He had just eaten a lawyer and he was trying to get the
taste out of his mouth.
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a
house?
A: It depends on how thin you slice them.
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A newly established
lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his
office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but
I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into
this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to
the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do
for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young
man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
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| Changing lawyers is like moving to a different
deck chair on the Titanic.
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